The Hero Dies In This One - Doggy Dilemmas and Life-Sized Stumbling Blocks

A Married Lady

2011-07-30T20:33:00.001-07:00

A wise teen once told me that I'd never be lucky in love as I'm just not darn pretty enough. She told me I had bad genes which made me undesirable to men, and that I'd have to lower myself to the lowest of the low, pick the least defective and SETTLE.This girl is the harshest I have ever met, unfortunately for me, she taunted me for years, making sure I knew everything happens for a reason - including everything I've failed at and am destined to fail at.Then 4 years ago I met a boy who changed my life in many stages. A boy who had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting this girl. It took him 18 months to crack her for me. And all of a sudden, she was gone from my life, allowing me to breathe.She popped her head in though, like some bad plot in Eastenders, kept coming back for more digs, checking I still knew from time to time that my actions would only lead to one eventuality.One month ago, I finally killed her off I think. I can't be sure, she's like a Dirty Den; a really poorly written soul who cones back when all avenues for a return were mushed up, but sheer ignorance keeps bringing that soul back.For now, I am healed, more than I have ever been healed in my life. And so it is with that note in which I say farewell to Miss, and hello to Mrs. Farewells do however mean closing a chapter, and I can't think of any better way to draw my line by ending this blog after a decade of tears, bad writing and trivial problems.I hope you will join me in my next journey after 4 weeks as a married lady.www.merrall-I-do.blogspot.comXxx

5 Weeks To Go

2011-05-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my apple pie....5 weeks, seriously???! This is mentalness in complete and utter mentaltom!! Hen party next Friday, I'm so excited it's going to be such a surreal experience. It'll finally sink in I hope and things can settle down into a more stable and flowy flow!

As you can see, wedding planning has caused me to lose all rationality and maturity, but what the heck, exciting times ahead for the next two months, and I want to make each day count.

I'm counting down the days left at work now, rather than focusing on tge mass of appointments in my IPhone Calendar which glare at ne everyday. 4 weeks 2 days until I'm on a 4 week holiday! Wow, have been waiting so long for this break, i won't want to embrace normality again. Certainly don't mind waving goodbye to it for now however.

I Think I Wanna Marry You

2011-04-13T16:14:00.000-07:00

78 days to go!

Bridesmaid's dresses are almost complete, my wedding shoes bought and in hand, hair trial booked and the wedding day hair appointment made. Not much left to do now, just the money to think about, oh the joys....

Life as Mrs Tew can't come sooner, so stressed thinking about oh so much, I'm looking forward to not worrying about it all anymore! Mrs Tew shall first be worrying about whether she has everything packed for honeymoon, who will water her house plants, will the dog survive two weeks in kennels and making sure she has the plane tickets and passports. Mrs Tew cannot wait!

Housewife

2011-04-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

All i do is sweep, disinfect, sweep, feed the dog, tidy, throw stuff out, wash, tumble dry, sort, sweep.

i feel like a robot lately, and it's dawning on me that in order to stay on top of these ridiculous chores, i need to do it everyday. the dog is such a nuisance in moulting season, i just want to chop his furry little legs off, shove him in his bed and make him stay there all day just for a break from sweeping.

Wow though, juggling the domestic goddess chores and wedding planning and working is proving a challenge! So, paying for a cleaner doesn't seem so ridiculous anymore, at least then i wont be stressed out by a dirty home anymore, right?!

i better get used to it, in three months i'll have the god awful title in this post, deal with it, right?!Men are useless, i keep telling him to tidy up for just 5 little minutes a day to help me, but NO. Bah!!!

Blues

2011-03-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

I've heard of baby blues, but i never really considered wedding blues before. Today has been an odd day, a lot of little niggly things have occurred, maybe they all accumulated into a big wedding cloud on my life today, which resulted in coming home at 4pm and collapsing on the sofa until 10pm. 6 hours kinda just sunk away somewhere, and as I munched my way through my mother-in-laws box of chocolates for mother's Day (I will replace, sorry), it occurred to me that I was comfort eating three months before the wedding. Not exactly a winning formula to a beach body, is it?

So anyway, after guiltily disposing of the eaten present, I sat down and tried to think of why I had this teenage depression, and simply concluded it was down to raging hormones and wedding stress.

The honeymoon cant come any sooner right now!

The Story So Far

2011-03-13T11:39:00.001-07:00

So! Hen parties are sorted, thank god! Honeymoon to the MALDIVES is booked and being paid for in lumps, still a few wedding details to sort, but we're no nearer to buying our first home. But on the plus side, doggy is getting much better at being left alone, although neutering hasn't made any obviously difference so far!

With only something silly like 16 weeks until the wedding, I have a ton of stuff to sort still, but i'm still putting it off. Top of my list is getting the chair sashes sorted, which is becoming somewhat of a headache. The centrepieces, then shoes, then the other venue decorations. It'll all come together, i know!

Let's just say we cant wait to be married and start looking/saving for a house and thinking about jobs and kids =D

Oh my god, whoever invented money needs shooting

2011-01-29T18:19:00.000-08:00

So, at least we reached a compromise on the honeymoon, resulting in swapping Aruba for Fuerteventura, saving us £700.

We got a loan so husband-to-be can get a replacement car.

Which resulted in house hunting??!

How did that happen? It's a great thing, don't get me wrong but I'm pooping bricks here at how much money is soaring around. Can we afford loan repayments, a mortgage and the ability to have a life?? This juggling game didn't seem so complicated before we actually started playing it.

So we are viewing a house tomorrow, well actually viewing a new build site after pretty much deciding online which house we want on a shared ownership scheme. I'm sure they will help tomorrow, and we can reserve a house ready in September or maybe extend our wait to the next phase of houses next year. Deposits, interest rates, building and contents insurance, endowments and tracker or fixed rate.

It's all very exciting, and we want one of these houses so bad, but can we afford to take the plunge?? I'm talking 8 months-18 months away I guess. But with our impending nuptials looming ever nearer, I guess the stress of planning and calculating has been tripled in only 2 days!

Growing up...me....I love it :-)

The big White dog-rodent had his plums chopped off a few weeks ago. It was like a soap opera trauma for me, abandoning him in that cage, anxiously awaiting a phone for whether he had lived or died. But of corse my big loveable clumsy bulldozer is home and back to his usual self. Those hormones best shift quick as I won't be happy if there's no change in attitude after 5 months.

He's also decided to be a complete and utter knobblet this new year by chewing up the laminate flooring edging/skirting. Hope the cougar gets splinters in his belly.

Weight of the World and Wedding Dresses

2010-10-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

So October is a spectacularly diabolical month. Not only did the Man get one of those devastating tax letters saying he owed money due to their cock up, but the car took a large chunk of my wedding fund as the government insists it be insured. Also, work has been unbelievably taxing. No manager, a bunch of childish colleagues, and I am about ready to implode. And to top it off I get told I have already used all my holiday! Lies.

So bring on November, I finally have a little wedding nest egg to feel better about due to it being payday today, and all my overtime literally paid off (well not all, tax stole a large sum, thanks you big bugger of a system). Hopefully Man's tax will be sorted, the honeymoon will be booked at the end of November and I can buy the bridesmaid dress fabric next weekend!

Just ONE good week, please! This half term week has been horrific, and things need to desperately pick up at work before my head spins off my shoulders.

On a positive note finally, I have a wedding dress! 10 million shops later and I have the perfect one at a bargain price. There's no going back now, 8 months to go, and I have flowers, centrepieces, suits, shoes, dresses and favours clogging up my brain as I contend with a constant battle to balance everything that is being thrown at me in this half of the year. The Dog Dylan is eating everything in sight, pooing and peeing on everything he can cock his leg up when we are out of the house. He has definitely hit the terrible two's.

I get home from work last night, go to the kitchen and spot my packet of cookies, my first treat in two months and I hadn't even opened them). They were open, so I pick them up, waving it under Man's nose. APPARENTLY he had a couple (insert guilty cheeky grin here) because the DOG had started it. Looking closer, I noticed the pack had indeed been violently violated, and there it was, the evidence. A white, unmistakably Dylan dog hair hanging off the torn packet.

So I did what anyone else would have, I screamed the dog's name, stormed into the living room and there he was. As guilty as anything looking back at me as I wave this half eaten packet frantically. And to top it off, I'd caught him red handed, licking and nosing a cookie on the rug.

2minutes later I had a sulking dog with guiltily pinned back ears nuzzling my toes for forgiveness after angrily tapping him across the nose with the victimised cookie.

Don't even ask what he did to my homemade lasagne on Monday night....

Wedding bells?

2010-08-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

So much can happen in such a small space of time!

Lat month, it finally happened. He proposed! Yup, I'm gonna be a married laydee and I couldn't be more excited about the big day!

At first we agreed to two years. And i was adament no-one would change my mind. Two years was perfect, no doubt about it.

We're getting married 1st July 2011! i know, i couldnt help myself. But we found the venue and it was at a very good price, so there wasn't the financial side holding us back anymore!

There's such a lot to plan, it's crazy. We're paying the deposit to the registrar in September, and the photographer deposit next month also. It'll all feel a little bit more real when that's done! I've already been trying on wedding dresses. I've not freaked out once...so this means I'm going to freak out come the big day! =-\

So all is great. I officially have a BA Honors in digital photography. At the moment I'm continuing to work at the job in retail I've been in for 5 years now, but have gone full time and taken on more responsibilities. I'm enjoying that for now, hell we need the money so i'm in no great rush. Still taking photos, so yeah I'm happy with my life! Some people have said to me 'why are you still working here, go out and get a job now you've graduated.' Uh...you have no idea what trying to get into photography is like! It's not that easy that's for sure! And anyway...it's not a rush process...what's the fun in finding the 'perfect' job right now anyway...I'll only be bored, and be wondering what's next. I'm enjoying leanrning from what life is throwing at me!

Me and the hubbo-to-be have been living together for nearly 7 months now. The dog is amazing..he's developed so much, and is such a loving husky. He still has his problems with other dogs, but he's getting there and we love him like he is our child. Good practise, so I hear!!

Goodbye Nan

2010-03-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

My nan died yesterday morning. Still seems so weird. Was a weird day, m nd my mum went up to Dunstable, where my Dad was already there as soon as he heard. He got there while my nan was still there, and got to see her. I cant imagine how upsetting that must have been for him. But maybe good that he got to see her, so he can believe it more. Because I certainly cant believe it still.

I hadn't seen her since I was around 16/17. I feel bad for it, but i never really enjoyed going over. As a kid, I used to spend most weekends there so my Dad could go to work. Now she's gone. And although I'm not particularly torn up about it because of the fact i didn't see her often anymore, what's affecting me most is the impact on my Dad. He is in pieces, and I hate it. So until he is okay again, I wont be okay again. Her dying, has meant a part of my Dad is never coming back...and I think i'm therefore mourning that loss.

My poor Granddad doesn't know what to do with himself. he was sorting out her clutter yesterday. What will he be doing today?? I saw my Dad cry twice yesterday...and I hated it.

I dont know what else to say. It's a horrible time.

Stressful Times Call For Stressful Measures

2010-03-21T18:39:00.001-07:00

Yikes, been ever so neglectful for my blog which once was my lifeline and my sanity! Oh how life does consume one, yes....

Looking back, since October my life hasn't half changed much! I am now officially a kept woman, shacked up with the boyfriend two months ago, and we got a puppy together =-]. okay, he's not so much puppy, about a year old. A rescue Husky/Akita we adopted, and he is the most amazing dog in the world. It's been lovely to have something to share together at the exact point we moved in together.

We have a little bungalow not far from my parents house. It's a nice little place, but I have dreams of a bigger house, for our many children! =P In about two months I will have finished university. It seems a lifetime away at the moment as I have so much work to do, its making my head spin. Am struggling through a dissertation right now, and ready to pull my hair out.

I have a new hobby! I call it a hobby, when in fact its not something every girl dreams of doing. I've been tracking all things menstrual to finally hit the nail on the head with my sheer ignorance to my own body's inner workings. Yep, you name it, i've tracked t. My BBT is a new thing I started a few days ago, and it has been a big eye opener. Getting ready for baby making for the future ;)

We had a pregnancy scare-a-thing a few months ago, and it's just both made us realise...hey..we want kids..how cool is that?! I spent sooo many years being scared of growing up, and now I'm the broodiest girl on this side of England! But first comes love (tick) next comes marriage, aye?! :P

Twenty-two this year. What happened to the 18 year old moaning about pathetic dribble in this blog not too long ago?!

What I'm most looking forward to this year....leaving uni. my GAWD its been a stressful time, it feels like it's never going to end, and it's been the scariest year yet. Really worried about failing....but I've learned a heck of a lot about myself. I'm taking photos all the time, and regularly taking baby/child photos for people now and hope to one day make a living from it. Yes, i'm a stressaholic at the moment...but there is a light in the tunnel... *sticks head further in and looks around in wonderment*

It's My Music, I'll PLay It Loud If I Want To

2009-10-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

7am I woke up this morning to ensure my bursary form got to university by a friend of mine. So by 8am I was bored and home, wondering what to do with my morning. I saw my neighbour's car outside, so thought best to not play my music (i considered this at 7am after she a year ago ratted me out to her annoying mother across the street, who then bitched to my dad). And actually, when I got out my car and to my front door this morning, i saw the crazy cow peeking out between her blinds, then cowering behind them when i looked at her. So I figured "Hmmm she's awake then and alert enough to be nosy, music wont be a problem." So it got to about 8.30 and I decided it's my room, my music, and i'll play it. So I did. Ten minutes later the b**** starts banging on my wall. So I press the volume down one notch, and choose to not retaliate. 5 minutes later, she bangs again. So what do I do? I swung my knee up to the wall and bash it back. And sure thing she stopped. Until 15 minutes later when the cow bashed again. And this was all after hearing her insolent annoying 12 year old son wailing like a banshee (the noises i hear from that house are seriously disturbing). its was 9am...whats her problem!!! My music was on for a total of 40 minutes you can hardly accuse me of noise pollution. Lazy moo shouldn't still be in bed, to be quite frank! And you don't hear me banging on her wall when he kid is bashing his basketball against the back of the house for 2 hours straight (its bounced so hard, the mirror on my wall SHAKES, no jokes). i don't complain when she has her music loud, or their screaming and babyish noise making wakes me up at 8am. So it's my room, my stereo, and I'll play it loud of I want to. It's not like it's particularly bad choice in music. Paramore's new album is dead agreeable. Not that I can say the same for her Westlife and Enrique Inglesias drool.

The next time she bangs the wall at 8.30-9am, the volume is going UP for an entire song =D

Return To The Present

2009-10-05T15:15:00.000-07:00

So again it has been a while. I honestly completely forgot...to be honest!!!! It occurred to me the other day "oh man I have a blog!" And so I am here. Typing what I want to say, so that one day, when I have the time to do thee ole COPY AND PASTE, I will have a second diary.

I've started my third year, and have ventured off to university in luton. And I hate it already, despite not even starting classes yet! 25 mile round journeys twice a week, £5 parking and stupid, unhelpful tutors (as of yet) and I'm praying for a small miracle that everything will come together and my photography degree will fall upon my lap and I shall be proud of it.

So the Summer has been insanely busy, with the boyf moving out, myself working, deciding whther to move out too, applying for loans and grants; all whilst having a mini panic about "what the hell am I going to do next year??!!" And so I have decided...a long holiday!!! Somewhere with sand, sun, cocktails and a pool. I have so many dreams, and I want them all right now. I guess turning 21 had made me realise these dreams, an also that not only can they happen, but I dont have to worry about getting it all done RIGHT now.

I just know how short life is. I dont want to waste a minute of it.

So I'm happier in this place in my life than I have ever been. Two years ago, I so was not ready for anything. Now I'm ready to move out, live life to the fullest and becoming an adult. I blame the boyfriend entirely for this. I fit wasn't for him, i'd be as naieve and scared as I was 2 years ago, and not even contemplating the thought of travelling, houses, marriage and babies.

I'm 21, and it's so corny, but life really is just beginning....

Back From Hell

2009-05-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been almost three months. Where have I been hiding?!!

Loads has happened. My second year at uni is over this week, I have four assignments due in by Thursday, hence why I'm up typing at this ridiculous hour. So glad that's almost over with, yet I'm so anxious to get it all right while I can because I don't think I could bare failing this year and not gettin gonto my BA Honours year.
We graduate In July. What's even the point in graduating for a Foudation Degree of the Arts? In a year I'll be graduating again with a Bachelor of the Arts with Honours *touch wood*, so it does seem rather silly. But hey, the more letters, the better! :D

So have I had any important life changing thinga happen? Well I don't know about that. I'm trying to decide between Masc or PC (long boring story involving a retailer giving me a s*** laptop thats not fit for a monkey), had the BIG one year anniversary with my man last month, and he is moving out! At long last he has found his own house/bungalow. He hasn't moved in, signed any agreement or even agreed on rent, but I'm sure it will be fine as its his Aunt's property. I'm really excited for him. And us! Although I'm not moving in, I have been put into a position where I've been thinknig a hell of a lot lately about my future and how much I have changed. And I have to say, compared to two years ago, I'm a much more fulfilled person than I was before, and it;s safe to sya, I'm more excited than scared of moving on now. And I really think i can do it for once.

So I've applied for a £3k loan for tuition fees for next year. Yes, I took the giant leap and took the loan! So here I will be sitting, with a load of money in my ISA I had intedned to pay tuition fees with. What do i do with it?? It seems sad to waste it on rent, so maybe I'll stay at home for another year and wait until I am working more hours.Do I buy the new car I wanted? What on Earth do I do with three grand?

ENJOY IT!!!! The firs time ever, I can enjoy it!

Sensibly, of course. I'm the worst person ever to spend money, I constantly have to get a bargain! But it's gonig to be a 5 month Summer, and I intend on making it the best Summer I've ever had!!!!

Road trip, anyone???

Love, Life, Death, Dealing

2009-02-21T13:33:00.000-08:00

All the news about Jade Goody dying has really...well upset me I guess. It's really made me think about my own mortality and of those around me I love. I realise I've actually had a really easy life not coping with any death...and keep finding myself assessing a hypothetical situation where someone close to me dies. And I hate how I know I will feel. But I continue to live in this stupid bubble like a child, who is ignoring death and dealing with loss because it's too scary and heartbreaking to think about. And all it does is take me back to the one time that I lost something special to me. That break up is the only thing slightly comparable to death. How sad is that? Only, I was so crushed and devastated; and still not able to get over HIM even today...nearly two years since he dumped me. But all the feelings towards him after it ended are the only things to draw reference from to discovering what it could be like to loose someone to death. And all that is only made worse as people keep managing around me to bring Portsmouth up into a conversation lately (it's where he grew up, and where the ex girlfriend he has now got back together with lives). And for some PATHETIC reason, I hate hearing any word that reminds me of him in the slightest. And that's when I realise, I'm NEVER going to get over this guy. Is it like death; you have to carry it with you for the rest of your life? If so...it seriously sucks. But of corse love is different. I mean, he's not dead (to my knowledge), he's happy and moved on with his life; and doesn't want me so I don't want him. However, thee's forever a part of me that still cant let go and has to carry that pain of losing him around.

Life sucks; to conclude. It really does. I mean, we wake up, get on with a lot of rather pointless or avoidable eraands, then go back to sleep only to get up and carry on with the same routine. What is the point of our existence other than to just live and have a load of torturous things happen to ourselves to try and miserably comprehend. We're all just animals; nature's evolution from a beautiful and pure living green and blue ball that spins in an axis. Ultimately, our existance serves no real purpose, yeah okay, we help each other, learn grow and evolve...but we all die cause we're just energy. Sometimes, I just look at a bug on the ground, and wish I was the same. At least a bug doesn't have to deal with money, bullies, devastating diseases and love, life, death and dealing. It just exists because it's supposed to and gets on with it without making everyone else's existence more painful.

We should all just be bugs, crawl along the earth, emotionless, harmless and simple. Least then when we die; we dont get dragged through a whole load of emotionally stressful and trecherous cr*p.

I'm such a happy go lucky person. :)

Almost died, DIED I tell ya!

2009-02-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

So, today I decided that I would go to Craig's so Amie could get some pictures of me for her uni work. Its only 2 miles up the road from mine, so figured that what with the roads being quite nicely clear now, it would be fine. So I drove to his after having to jump start the car (the car decided that after 5 days of not using it, it would hibernate). I got to Craig's and after 20 minutes, heavy snow started to fall. Gutted, me Amie and Katie made arrangements to quickly get home, so Amie got her photos done, and i got a few done for my work (not that it was any use seeing as Photoshop refuses to load my RAW format...grr!). And I had the worst shortest journey ever home. I had to slam down on the accelerator to get the car out off the side of the road, and then skid and slide all the way out onto the mainish road. I havent driven in proper snow before, so was taken aback by how the car wouldn't turn the corner, and got the shock of my life when the car swerved into the other lane. I pulled myself straight, got to bearings with what speed to stick at and how far the wheel would turn, when I got to the roundabout. And yet again, as I took my right turning off, the car simply refused to turn and I almost careered straight into the left hand side of the roundabout. I continued like this for a while, and wanted to cry! I got home, but couldnt make the sharp right turn to my parking space, and nearly hit the neighbours car. So I parked up on the side of the road, got out and made Dad park!

Sorry, but snow isn't worth dying over! I'm meant to be at a hair salon tomorrow in leighton buzzard, but we're forecast more snow, so I'm debating at what point to text the photographer I'm working with and say I'm whimping out. Believe me, I know it's silly to put life on hold over it, but now I've been out in it, I really don't ever want to again cause next time I won't be so lucky to have next to no cars on the road and I'll get hit by some other idiot in the least.

So there's my snow adventure for today! I really don't know what I'm gonig to do tomorrow yet; even if the roads have cleared, who's to say it wont snow that badly while I'm in Buzzard?? Nooo thankyou, much rather be indoors. Boring, but safe!!!

Photography

2009-02-02T05:06:00.000-08:00

Here is the link for my new photography blog,, Bloomed Photography . Got a few kinks to work out stll, such as I need to start posting in RAW cause JPG is just PANTS ;). Also, I really want to start making my own website, I just dont know how :/

It's been snowing since last night; and I'm not looking forward to going to work in it! Have been at home, reeling from a bad dream still and trying to do some work for uni. Most of it is planning really, and thankfully I have gathered what work I want to do photography wise, and just need to crack on with the written stuff. College should be closed tomorrow as it's meant to snow all week; and I dont want to drive to great linford in this weather to see mates as I'm supposed to, so at least I will have another whole day to get cracking on with stuff.

Saw Revolutionary Road yesterday at Cineworld; and I really enjoyed it. The boyf hated Kate Winslet's character, who was this really unhappy woman who wanted to change her life and have something more; and so kind of took it out on the husband. I understand in all its entirety, yet the boyf didn't. Is it just me; or is it a male/female thing? I just totally understood why she took it out on him and how she felt.

Wednesday I'm hoping to go see a lighter film than this one; as it was quite heavy hearted. And Bolt seems like a good choice when it comes out on Friday! I'm a big kid deep down.

Right I'm off to read a book I jsut got in the post, "Simulacra and Simulation" by Jean Baudrillard. I've wanted to read this for ages! Happy snowman building everyone!

Uni Pressure Finally Kicking In...

2009-01-17T14:25:00.001-08:00

I started a new blog this week after a kick up the arse on Tuesday www.bloomed-photography.blogspot.com as a way to document to the world; my photography "journey". I thought it was a good idea to make a separate blog that talks about my experiences, the work I've made and also what I hope to achieve with my career. could have done it in this blog; but I wanted to keep this to a more personal level to an extent.

I haven't seen the boyfriend in a week because I have been so busy with different things at uni and with friends. I spent maybe the whole of December doing no work, so I have to make up for lost time. Got a lot to do in very little time. It's getting scary to think that in September, I will be in a real university, in a new class full of people I dont know and who will all already know each other. Very scary.

Talking about that; I went to a new class yesterday. It's a photography options class; where basically my course allows me to sit in with other people with a photographer and he gives us guidelines for how to do our individual photography projects. Not only was I left completely in the dark yesterday cause everyone had started a week earlier (I wasnt told the class had already started!) and everyone in the class completely blanked me. I'm bad with people; I find it very hard to stand out in a crowd. One on one, I can deal with. But 10 people who clearly all knew each other made me feel physically sick. Which I hated. The tutor wasn't there in the end; which didnt help me one bit as I got up at 7am to get to that class! And everyone was told to get on with their work. Hello?!! I didn;t know he had set a project?!! I'm very confused, and annoyed that I'm with a bunch of people who I probably wont get along with. I'll let you know how that pans out after next Friday...

Cna;t really report on much else. All it's been is workworkwork. However, got some interesting stuff lined up; a weddinf fayre to take pictures at on the 22nd Feb, haircut on the 21st Feb (ooh very exciting! :P), Snow Patrol gig on the 14th March, Amie's birthday party on the 7th March, wedding to take pictures at on the 14th February...the list goes on and on and on and on....

To The Observatory My Friends!....

2009-01-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm an avid Ebayer as much as the next person. I never saw the point in it last year, until I found myself with a lot of old stuff which I didnt need anymore. So I chanced it, and put some dvds up on there. And despite the stupid amount of deductions in fees, it did actually feel good to sell stuff! This last two weeks, I have been selling games on Ebay which my mum found under the stairs, and am happy to say the least to have made a lovely little amount of around £34 to put into my ISA. Not bad for a bunch of old games we don't play anymore!

So after finally selling them all yesterday, I looked at my IKEA Christmas present sitting quietly on my desk just to my left. And knowing I dont use it, I thought I'd have a quick look on ebay for a general idea of what I could get for it. Not surprisingly the other 1000 IKEAns who got the alarm clock which John Lewis sell for £97 had theirs on there too! Might leave it a while, see if I can get more than £50 which the other sellers are getting at the moment.
As I was saying, I was ebaying away, using different keywords to find the radio on ebay. And I ended up opening a whole world of people who sell IKEA stuff on Ebay! And MY GOD it is ridiculous! People actually have Ebay businesses where they've gone into IKEA, bought a load of stuff, then sold it on!!! Foe example, our 100 pack of Glimma tealights are £1.65. How much did I find one guy selling them for??? Wait for it....£7.50...YES...you read right. So I emailed the guy, out of pure SHOCK more than anything. the thing is, some saddo who doesn't live near to an IKEA or isn't aware of how much we sell them for, will actually buy them from this con artist.

Shamefully he isn't the only one. Makes me feel sick.

Talking about stuff that makes me feel sick, I sat down on my break at work today with the Daily Telegraph. In it I found a story about a babysitter who stuck the baby she was childminding in the tumble dryer for three minutes and watched him spin round. Do I need to say anymore?

WHAT. ON. EARTH.

I got home, and thought I'd google the story to find out more. Not only did I find this article, but several others about different cases across the UK and USA where people have stuck babaies in tumble dryers. Not only tumble though people; bins, freezers and dishwashers are also popular choices. Guaranteed, give it a year and all kitchen and household appliances will come with warnings on to NOT PUT CHILDREN INSIDE.

So yeah, it's been a good day for observations. Roll on next week....

Size Zero Campaign on BattleFront!

2008-12-03T15:26:00.001-08:00

Two anniversaries and One revelation

2008-10-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

I stalled my car today on a busy busy dual carriageway. I also got shouted at in a message by an angry person on ebay. I accidentally knocked the toothpaste off the window sill straight into the open toilet. And yet I've still had an interesting day in a good way.

Yet again, I spent another day of half term working for a few hours, then coming home to my invalid mother (sh had a bunion-ectomy so cant walk) to waste the rest of the day. I should be out taking photos for my FMP (final major project), or starting my creative journal, or reading one of the 6 books that are waiting to be read on creative photography, photoshop and digital cameras. But I love laying back into bliss, being able to ignore those things and just relax with my mum. But I seriously now need to kick my arse into gear; I have life way too easy and it's not fair on anyone else.

So today I emailed the guy I know who does photography. And have landed myself my first day of work experience at a wedding next Friday. I'm bricknig it, but it has to be done. Once I pass that nervous unfamiliar threshold it will all be worth it. Only 13 more days of work experience needed to pass my foundation degree!

And I took a trip to Asda tonight to buy a journal for my "personal development" log. I have to write about my career, what makes me tick, what I want from life and how I'm going to get it. I got top marks last year when I did it whilst the 30 other people on the FD courses all pretty much sucked big time. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's reflecting on myself so of corse I'm going to ace it. :P

I saw my ex today, the "big" one, the one that changed my life you know the guy. And I know Darren didn't want me to, but we always see Saw together so we went to see Saw 5 today.

I saw him downstairs as I waited at Cineworld, my heart raced, I couldn't breathe and I thought about running away and never contacting him again to explain. But I froze to the spot, determined to see it through. And I did. I listened patiently in the queue as he told me about the ex he was getting back with. The ex he was with for 4 years a few years back. And I found myself not jealous or upset, but laughing inside my head at how stupid he was being. For this woman dumped him, cheated on him, told him he was a waste of space, not that good looking and that she didnt fancy him that much. I remember when he told me whilst we were still together, and thiking how could this woman not love this man like I do? But whilst I felt this mockery inside me, I also found myself somewhat sending my blessings. I didn't want it to not work out. I found myself not really giving a toss about this man at all.

Yes I loved him beyond words could describe. He was everything to me and a little bit of me will always be with him. But this man isn't right for me. We are so far apart I can breathe again, knowing there's no regrets, no real feelings I used to so passionately have towards him at all. And I'm so relieved that I did meet him, and found this out. Yes, he's a massive chapter in my life and I do wonder often how if he had loved me enough where we would be now. But I like where I am, and I dont think I'd appreciate it as much if I hadn't met him today. :) I was flattered and touched that he thought about us on Monday, as it was two days to the day that we met. It made me feel a little sad, but grateful that he doesn't completely want to bury what we had in the sand. That was nice.

To top it off, it was mine and Darren's 6 months on Tuesday, oddly enough. I didn't see him yesterday, it's not that big a deal to have done something (me and the ex didnt!) but it's kind of a big milestone for me. The ex dumped me a few days after our 6 months, and that was the best relationship I had ever been in. The guy I was with for a year barely counts as I dont feel anything towards him at all other than he's a total scumbag who deserves to drown in a vat of acid. I want me and Darren to last, go thorugh all the shiiite together and come out stronger on the other side. We've had our problems; or should I say I've had my problems!

Relationships dominate our lives so much, I do sit and wonder sometimes why. Theres loads in life to enjoy, yet we still beat ourselves up over meeting a partner and maintaining a monogomous relationship...I have some rather deep thoughts on that but maybe I will save it for another day in case it offends anyone whilst I've not thought the wording thorugh enough....

New York, Love and Faith

2008-10-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've sat down and reflected in written word, and I've somewhat been having withdrawal symptoms; waking up suddenly and kicking myself for not documenting things. What if one day I forget the most significant things in my life? What if someone never finds out that I am somewhat significant in the world? I need to stand out a little, and write things down so my life is in existance in this small way.

So I will just skip the boring stuff, and revel in the brilliance that was the trip to New York.

It was more magical and stunning than I ever imagined it to be. The shuttle bus ride to the hotel put me off BIG time. The streets looked uninviting, grimey and rough. To my horror I thought to myself "what have I done, this place sucks!" We eventually got to our hotel, probably the very defining moment in my life where I've realised I'm at last independent, and somewhat completely alone in the world in that second. It's a thrilling feeling.

Me and My Love went for a walk after finding our room and buzzing from the excitement of living together for a whole week completely alone. And suddenly the streets weren't quite as scary. It however wasn't until the next day when we explored New York for a full 13 hours that I could have orgasmed over the beauty of the city, and the absolute buzz and blood rush I experienced in being there and witnessing the sights that beholded.

I want to go back. So badly. Back to 5th Avenue and Broadway, back to the quiet little area we stayed in right next to the gorgeous Central Park. I really miss it so much. The independence, the shops, the sights and the feeling I got from being there. I still wake up some nights, feeling really not at home here, wishing I was "back home" in New York. I still sit in the bath here, and get a sudden jolt; remembering my nightly bath in New York, how peaceful that time of night was, and the utter relaxation I felt. I dont feel relaxed anymore. All my troubles were washed away for a bit. Now it's back to reality.

What really made the whole holiday perfect was being with Darren. We got so much closer, I got so much more comfortable with him; and it had to be the best thing I've done for a birthday in a couple of years. This time last year I was a mess. Now I'm 20, I have ambitions to travel the world, a perfect guy on my arm who I love more than I could have ever expected to. Life is good. It's okay. The rough and bumpy bits that are coming; are at least FINALLY not so scary; due to me finally feeling safe with Darren to know he will stay by my side. After all that pain, all those horrible problems HE left me with. I can finally trust again. It's scared me to think how much Darren loves me. As I sit and think to myself that the love I see he has for me; I never quite saw in HIM. HE was and always will be the first love of my life. But Darren; he's my hero; and we were meant to be as he only came to me 10 days after my world shattered. I asked the Goddess so many times to send me someone who could show me what it's really like to be loved beyond your heart can sometimes take. And it might sound silly to anyone else, but I think she heard me; I think that he popped up when he did to show me a lot about myself. It took a year; a whole year of so much confusion; but he's with me. 6 months, and I'm at the point in the relationship where it all went wrong with HIM. I thought I was safe; and when that day hit that I realised you cant ever be totally safe with someone no matter how much you think they love you, it all changed and I vowed to never be naieve again. To always stand guard and be aware. I still have that instinct, HE programmed it into me. But I see how different they both are, how different the love is. And only something truly meaningful and horrible can break this.

I saw a guy in the street today. Who looked like HIM in so many ways. I didn't want to; but my brain took over. I "knew" in my head it was him. I panicked, my thoughts froze, my eyes focused and my heart went mental. It was actually fear I felt, seeing this guy with a girl, smiling and this pain just hit me so goddamn hard from nowhere. I looked at the mousey hair, and realised it wasn't the shining blonde and brown it should have been; and the pale eyes weren't the stunning blue ones that my brain thought were there. It wasn't HIM, and in that instant of realisation; I was thankful it wasn't HIM. It was like waking from a bad dream to find that none of it was real, and that you and the people you love are safe. Even though I was relieved it wasn't HIM; I still went quiet and dwelled for 10 seconds on how much my heart would have been destroyed if it was him. If it had been HIM...I just knew that feeling of pain would have blown me away, and I would have hid instantly, my brain would have shut down and dwelled in that horrible moment it all ended. I cant bear to ever see him again. It hurts too much. I hope I never do because today I learned that no matter how much time passes, even after 17 months; you can still hold a torch for someone. And it's all swept under the carpet when I dont see him or speak to him. My life is perfect and I'm blissfully in love and the happiest girl alive. That man only brings me sorrow now, and I really dont deserve to have a break down so with any luck, one of us will move away really far then the fear of seeing him can finally go away for good.

Uni starts Monday, and it's met with a bitter sweet feeling. I'm excited to be going back, learning new things and meeting my resolution to work hard and achieve results. But suddenly; mixed with the fact I turned 20 last Saturday, it's hit me that I have to make some choices. WHat am I going to do after the course? I have no idea. It scares the hell out of me, it's gut-wrenching.

But a little bit of fear is good. It keeps you on your toes. Plus now I have this sudden new spiritual realisation that something is reacting to my prayers and my feelings because of Darren coming to me when I most needed him. Life; like my terrible plane journey home from the USA; has it's turbulence. Some parts are more turbulent than others, last longer and seem like it's never going to pass. But it always will when you have light in your life.

How One Friendly Suggestion Turns Into A Stupid Falling Out

2008-08-31T02:04:00.001-07:00

I'm having a really bad weekend, and that doesn't put me into a terribly good mood.

Firstly, I planned to go out for dinner with The Man Friday night as soon as a got in from work. That however got ballsed up for one silly reason or another. And then the bbq this weekend at the lake with friends didn't go ahead. So my friend suggested we meet up with our other friend instead and make a night of it. Which ended up turning into a complete disaster, with the Blonde friend getting thoroughly annoyed for no reason, accusing us of not making the effort and only meeting up when she cant make it. It's not our fault she pretty much told us she could meet us and then changed her mind. I'm not a psychic. So I got really annoyed. I was at work, and getting all these texts when I had already planned the evening. I would of met them 20 minutes after getting home from work, which they clearly didn't appreciate in the slightest cause I ended up not going out at all. The Midget friend decided that the night wouldnt have been good enough without the Blonde friend and decided she would go to a party. How did she think that made me feel? So she didn't understand why I had a slight moan about being messed around, and she turned it around onto her saying I was being out of line. So both of them aren't talking to me anymore; simply because I wanted us to all meet up.

I need a good bitch about them both cause they're the ones in the wrong for over reacting and not seeing the simple plan behind the whole arguement they concocted. I'm off to work in a minute, and I'm in a seriously bad mood yet again about it all.

The Blonde Ffriend I know wont talk to me first, cause she has these dumb-arse principles where she never apologises, and the Midget; well she didn't bother saying sorry for telling me I was out of line for no reason.

it's a bad weekend for Laurens I think...

Hormones Are A Girls Best Friend

2008-07-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

Yeaaaaah, so that Microgynon isn't working out all that well for me. I've been taking it for about two weeks now, and get really bad nausea as soon as I take it, awful leg cramps and tension headaches. I was seriously scared I would die in the night from a blood clot or something; and being the world's worst hyperchondriac, I have determined I REALLY do need to stop taking it if I hate it that much.

Plus it's making me so damn hungry, my diet is really going to the shit the last two days.

Fecking.

Hormones.

On a lighter note; I am so not loving this humid weather. I woke up this morning after four hours sleep (after 4 hours TRYING to sleep but the heat was so intense) and crawled my way downstairs. Feeling horribly sick and my leg playing up, I was utterly repulsed to smell RUBBISH in the living room.

My mum, who was in the kitchen, instantly blamed my Dad for the horrible smell after hearing my gasps of disgust at how bad it smelt. It wasn't until I left for work that I realsied it was actually everywhere.

Stagnant heat...dis-gus-TING.

It's been hot at work. I went in for two shifts today, one in the morning and then another in the evening. Which wasn't too bad actually, and I'm rather proud that my new pedometer counted up a total of 17,500 steps for the entire day. Go team Lauren :D

Sky + man is coming tomorrow; after my mum cunningly got them to cut the price down by TWO THIRDS to get it. I'm really glad for it now, especially as I got home from work to find the tape all my soaps had been recorded on from tonight had been chewed up in the video recorder. Coincidence eh? :P

So I'm off to watch iPlayer and ITVCatchup now. The slowest buffering in the world on my laptop, but it's too fricking hot to sleep.

I'm actually going to boil to death I fear...

Successful Ways To Hurt The One You Love

2008-07-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

So I woke up on Sunday morning at 9.15am, with the glorious knowledge that I did not have to work that day. So that was a rather good start.

A trip to the city centre only 20 minutes later saw my Dad's temper running high as we made him drive from one place to the other searchig for somewhere that was open at 10am. Eventually Morrisons won our presence, and it turned out to be quite fun searching for Aunt Bessie's chocolate muffins (which weren't there- where on EARTH sells them cause we've tried everywhere!) and rifling thorugh the £2 dvds to only come back with "Captain Scarlet" so my Dsd could re-live his childhood YET again.

We went to see Wall-E at the cinema, which was my second time, and I still love that little robot. The screaming children was a tad on the annoying side, and swiftly showed me that I am indeed GETTING OLD as I sat there moaning to my Mum about why kids cant sit down and shut the f*** up for two hours.

The boyf came round at about 10pm last night. It was about 2am when we got to bed after watching a succession of films and chatting away like we always do. I then this morning successfully managed to give him my first real bashing.

He was gassing out my room, and it stunk to high heaven so I went to point at him accusingly, and unfortunately jabbed him straight in the eye.

It was funny at first as he writhed and moaned, but the poor guy's eye started watering like a big girl and he still had horrible red lines shooting from his tear duct two hours later as he went to leave. It didn't help that as I walked back into my room after going to the bathroom I bashed the door straight into his head. Stupid man shouldn't be pulling on his trousers bent double really.

To top the morning off; we ended up getting into a bit of a debate, as I was suffering from my regular phase of the green eyed monster. We were watching Cloverfield last night; but he was texting his ex girlfriend for most of it. That got my back up. Then this morning he said he was going to go stay in London for a few days next month to see mates; and I got the jealous rage from last night back cause I knew the girl who fancied him would be there. It was totally irrational as I know how much he loves me and that he doesn't even in the slighest fancy his ex or this other girl in London.

It was silly, but I accused him of wanting to sleep with her, and followed it with a defensive "I wouldn't care if you did anyway; I'm not going to get emotional over anything that you think will hurt me cause I wouldnt give you the satisfaction".

So yes, I successfully bashed parts of his head in, and then emotional wounded him after he confessed in a text not long ago that me saying I wouldnt feel anything actually hurt him.

I'm having a successful day so far. Maybe I should accuse him of something else he hasn't done and instead find myself pushing him into doing it, rather than preventing it. :P

How To Vow To Change, Reach An Obstacle, And Then Give Up

2008-07-18T02:12:00.000-07:00

I paid a visit to my oh so friendly Brook Advisory Clinic on Tuesday. I have been going there for four years to get contraception, and I had had the final straw with my current pill, which was really starting to nark me off with the constant nausea, bad moods, fake periods and MASS weight gain.

Okay, MASS is a strong word, but I have a tendency to exaggerate.

Anyhow...I went there with the boyf, intending to change my pill for one that wouldn't turn me into the wolfmother 24/7. And instead I went and agreed to one which I found out would be much worse than Cerazette. Microgynon; apparently, has a high risk of causing blood clots and raising my already too high blood pressure. I had the boyf so worried he's convinced I'm going to collapse from blood clots every two seconds. I decided to ditch it today, after feeling almightily ill the last two days I've taken it in a bid to see if I will feel better. Plus the fear of a migraine, chest pains or swollen calf muscles is really starting to put me off those sugary yellow pills.

Moving on to a related matter, I also had to get weighed at Brook. NOT a happy time. Especially when I found out I've put on a STONE in a year. That's always a spirit uplifter, and so I have vowed to eat better and exercise more in a bid to eradicate those love handles.

I don't look overweight for a BMI of 28, I look okay actually, but those damn love handles HOG the culprit and dare to nark me off everytime those new stone washed jeans attempt to squeeze on. They're folded up at the bottom of my cupboard, and so the mission to finally put them on commences!

It didn't get off to a good start this morning however. I thouyght to myself I'd give the cereal challenge a go, and try do that silly 2 bowls, 2 meals, 2 weeks malarky. So I excitedly poured my Crunchy Nut into a bowl, and reached for the milk in the fridge. Lo and behold, I completely forgot all of it went in the cheese sauce for the homemade lasagne I made for everyone last night. So there I was, a full bowl of dry cornflakes desperate to be in my tummy. So I resorted to a can of condensed milk in the cupboard. However, when it started to drop out in a suspiciously thick creamy colour similar to wall paper paste and merely decorated the top layer, it was pretty evident what a stupid idea it was. Picking up one drizzly Flake and having a go at eating it, the rest ended up swiftly in the bin. Was SO looing forward to those....

With my Cineworld Unlimited Card; I've spent quite a lot of time in the cinema as of late. Seeing as many films as I want for a fraction of the price is pretty good, and Orange Wednesdays means I can get someone else in for free with my card. So today, my day consists of a four hour shift at work, a trip to Nando's (steering clear of those nasty love handle feeders as much as possible) and then on to see WALL-E later in the night. I'm usually dead set against cartoon films; but that cute little garbage collector has me and Kelly captivated so we're going to be cool 19 year olds and trudge along to see it in the dead of night. Like all the cool kids, of corse...

The Delete Button

2008-07-17T03:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I hit the delete button. After many many months of debating whether to do it, I actually hit that damn button. So goodbye to 161 blog entries over three years. And hello brand new shiny blog!

So why did I do it? I was sick of the criticism I was getting, the stupid comments from idiotic people telling me what to write, people reading my entries which showed my teenage progression and judging me for writing it all down. I figured it was time for a change, so I copied all the entries, and saved them onto disc so at least I will always have them if I'm ever brave enough to share them with my currently non existant children, who will think that they're the only people in the world who think everyone hates them...

And I am growing up. 20 in September, now that's an age I've slowly been embracing since January, and it's not so bad to be honest. Last night whilst at a bar as my friend was working there, my Little Blonde Friend oh so kindly pointed out to me whilst watching Personal Services Required on channel 4, that I won't be a teenager anymore. Why on Earth did she have to go rub that in my face? The truth of the matter is, the fear has gone now, and I'm kind of looking forward to growing up and being taken more seriously.

Oh, I'm in for a shock, aren't I? It's not all bad though, I have money, I'm going to New York in two months, and already making loose plans for next year. The Boyf wants to go to Japan, and whilst I said he could pick the next one, I only went and looked on Expedia and found SUCH a great deal for two weeks in Kenya.

Africa vs. Asia...I wonder...

I'm currently on my second month of Summer holiday, and my days simply consist of WORK WORK WORK. It's getting a little tiresome, and that might just be down to today being my ninth day in a row. But hey, more money to spend in New York, eh?

Things with the Friendlings have proved to be quite tough since they got home. Some of us have drifted apart, which I'm SO NOT HAPPY ABOUT. and all those grand master plans of adventure haven't actually worked out at all. Which is such a bummer, as a road trip somewhere we didn't know would of been quite cool.

I guess we will have to settle for Alton Towers in August then. Anything to get away from the constant rows at home, my Brother's laziness and stupidity and the pile of junk which I swear my rooms grows like fungus.